Esoteric Lucubrations

Look Like a Zombie

nellorat@livejournal.com — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:27:11 GMT

Thanks to porcinea, amazing pictures of a guy who is having himself tattooed to look like a semi-skeletal, living-dead guy. The later pics of his face are astounding.

Mood: astounded

Dream Complaint

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:40:26 GMT

Dear Subconscious,

A few nights ago was bad enough. That guy and I broke up almost 30 years ago, and I have been happily married all that time, so please update your files and stop the dreams predicated on my wanting sex with him. Thanks.

Even worse, especially since I didn't even get a chance to watch the documentaries on parasites that youngersib recommended yesterday, last night's dream was TOTALLY out of line. Enough said.

Sincerely,
Your Conscious and Meat-Vehicle

Mood: awake

Dialogue, Exercise Equipment

nellorat@livejournal.com — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 14:26:07 GMT

supergee: I got the ankle-weights you wanted, but I couldn't find the bar in 5 pounds, just 12 pounds.

Nellorat: Oh, for the 5 pounds, I think you need to go to one of the Wimpsville stores.

Supergee: Good! I think there's one of those right by my old prep school.

Mood: peppy, ready for work

Work Oddness

nellorat@livejournal.com — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 12:52:53 GMT

I love my work, but I often say that had I begun teaching at the academy 20 or more years ago, right out of graduate school, the job would have driven me nuts.

In general, last-minute changes are the order of the day. If someone cancels, the academy head will phone around for a replacement--which I like! However, the replacement might be tutored for a totally different topic: the ACT test instead of the SAT test, or even middle-school essay writing instead of either. When I begin to teach a new test, age, whatever, it IS a BFD to me. However, at this point, I've done so many things and am familiar with so many materials that it's no big thing. I wouldn't choose this approach, but I like rising to the challenge.

However, I've always felt somewhat different with teaching a class, a group instead of one-on-one tutoring. For a number of reasons, I find it more effort and somewhat more stress to teach a class, and I like being prepared.

Well--I HAVE MADE that distinction: I'm in the same situation with a group, and it's OK.

Yesterday, I found out at 11:00 a.m. (when I got my schedule) that I was teaching a group in the afternoon. I should have asked, but I assumed it was weekly, as my other class, on Sundays, is. My e-mailed schedule for today includes a class. Is it the same group? Probably. I'll get to the office about 15 minutes early, find out then, and decide what materials to have photocopied.

Another major aspect of work I had to get used to is that these academies add students throughout the term, even new students in the penultimate class (because they'll continue next term). I did a bad job at a Japanese-American class years and years ago because I didn't understand this and built a cumulative course on essay writing. With SAT, I think it's actually easier to accommodate this approach, since it's more coaching than imparting info, and some techniques do need to be emphasized again and again.

Mood: waking up, PT before work

Health: Poll re Exercise

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:29:51 GMT

Today I had my first physical-therapy appointment, and I feel it went very well.

As part of the session, I did 12 minutes on a recumbent exercycle. Wow! I've been trying to get into the habit of using the treadmill, but doing this--with no knee pain at all--made me realize how much part of my reason for not doing so is still having some pain.

If we had room for both our treadmill and a recumbent exercycle in the basement in front of the TV, I think we'd be buying the cycle this week! As it is, I don't know--I like the whole-body movement of walking on the treadmill, and maybe strengthening from PT will make my knees not hurt. MAYBE we could fit both in the basement, but it would take a lot of moving things around, maybe including getting rid of one or more bookcases.

So what do you think? Comments very welcome! I haven't spoken about this with womzilla yet, but I thought I'd ask here anyway.

View Poll: Exercise for Nellorat

Book Review: Medical Anthropologist on Ebola

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:28:41 GMT

Barry S. Hewlett and Bonnie L. Hewlett, Ebola, culture, and Politics: The Anthropology of Emerging DiseaseThompson Wadsworth: 2008.

I ordered this after a search on "ebola" at Barnes & Noble, and I'm very glad I did. Barry Hewlett is an anthropologist who was present in Uganda at a 2001 ebola outbreak, doing other kinds of fieldwork, and get sent as a medical anthropologist with a World Health Organization intervention in a 2003 outbreak in Congo. Bonnie, a nurse, was also sent to the second outbreak.

The book is accessible: although small, it includes brief background on the histories of the various countries, the nature of the disease, and the anthropological methodology that was used in the studies. Yet if you know the information, you won't be bored.(There is also a bit of repetition within the book due to the structure in sections, but it's not enough to interfere much.) The investigations included interviews, questionnaires, and group discussions with care-givers, survivors of ebola, friends and families of victims, and the local people of all ages and both sexes.

Barry Hewlett had to sell himself to WHO, but the book makes clear how invaluable a medical anthropologist can be. For instance, in one area, mostly men came to the seminars of using barrier protection, but mostly women did the nursing and funeral care: although WHO didn't know it, the information was not reaching those who needed it most. Children were most open to technological bio-medical models of disease and tended to share the information at home, so more education should be directed at children. Group hand-washing after a funeral helped prevent disease when bleach-water was used, a change which the people had no objection to.

Most interestingly to me, all the groups the Hewletts worked with had their own cultural model of what to do during an epidemic, all of it necessary (isolation of the ill, tending the ill by those who had had the disease and survived or by the very old, quarantine of those who have been with the ill, restricted travel into and out of the village), not part of our models but helpful (harmony in interpersonal relationships stressed, belief that disharmony or lack of sharing made the epidemic worse), or neutral (prayers, magical objects). One main problem is that groups tended to shift into this model only after many deaths; but it is there for medical workers to refer to. Before being questioned by anthropologists, many local people were too embarrassed to talk about the cultural models of disease.

As comes up in passing, the Hewletts are quite angry at journalists, for spreading fear of ebola more than genuine information. I have to say, as morbid as my tastes are, I think their point is excellent. This is an informative, well informed, well thought out, eminently sane and fascinating book.

Mood: chatty, relaxing, happy

Health

nellorat@livejournal.com — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 14:31:47 GMT

DIABETES: On the positive side, I have cut my dosage by 1/2 a glyburide pill in the evening and all seems well! When just skipping it was too much (fasting c. 145), womzilla asked me if I could cut it in half. I hadn't even thought of that! It's not time-release, and it is even scored for dividing! Today's fasting was 100--which I'm happy with, as with a fasting of 80 I was getting too cursed many hypos. (FYI, normal people always run 80-120.)

ARTHWRONGUS: On the negative side, all the writing I've been doing for LJ and no session with YogaJane this week (she's teaching for a week in Florida) means an unhappy shoulder/arm. On the positive side, I have insurance-approved three-sessions/week physical therapy on the shoulder for four weeks, starting Monday. Woo hoo!

Mood: ready for breakfast, alert, a bit cranky

Virtual Habitat Renewal; Straubian News

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 17:23:04 GMT

I just decreased my e-mail in-box by hundreds of messages, either saving to the right folder or deleting!

1109 messages still remain in my in-box, but that's around normal.

Although I have never really regretted getting rid of a book, I usually manage to delete 1 to 3 messages per purge that I wish I hadn't.

In this case, I accidentally deleted the e-mail in which Peter Straub sent me the ms. of the shorter version of his forthcoming novel. (The long version will be published by an independent press as The Skylark, while the short version will be the main publication as The Dark Matter. I am very curious to see where the cuts are & what remained.) I just e-mailed him back, admitting to being a doofus.

However, I'm still happy overall.

Mood: proud, accomplished, waking up on a dreary day

Diabetic Control/Arthwrongus--see you in the HAES Community

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:45:44 GMT

I urge anyone interested to check out this entry by me in haes about diabetic control. Also news of some progress towards physical therapy for my shoulder-induced problems.

Also, the moderator of that group recently asked what people there want and seems open to perhaps a wider definition of suitable discussion on the group. I used an lj-cut tag for the food discussion, in case it was triggering.

Talk of deliberate weight-loss is still prohibited there, and that makes sense to me. Thanks for everyone's comments on my LJ.

If I deal with that more myself--if I decide to make weight-loss a personal goal in ANY sense--I'll talk about it in my LJ. Right now, though, my glucometer will be my measure and limit anyway. I went hypo last night despite deliberately eating cereal/fruit/soy milk, and I think I may try doing without my p.m. dose of glyburide (my GP suggested that as one option if hypos kept up). Being between good dosages is like being between clothing sizes, you know--you try to get it right, but you're annoyed no matter what. If I can keep good control on the lower dose, that alone will keep me busy for a while!

Anyone who commented on my LJ about wanting to discuss health in a non-weight-related context, I urge you to post on haes. Far from JUST for fat people, too: lintilla, you can encourage me about exercise & I can encourage you about good food!

Mood: sluggish and awakening very slowly, centered and positive about life

Recently One of My Anthems

nellorat@livejournal.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:06:52 GMT

The fn is my change to fit my life. It's a joyous song that answers its own questions: we should ALL have all of this, because we ALL deserve it.

"Passionate Kisses"
Sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter
Written by Lucinda Williams

Is it too much to ask?
I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back,
Food to fill me up,
And warm clothes and all that stuff--
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you?

Is it too much to demand?
I want a full house and a rock and roll band,*
Pens that won't run out of ink,
And cool quiet and time to think.
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you?

Do I want too much?
Am I going overboard to want that touch?
I shout it out to the night:
"Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right."
Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I)?
Shouldn't I have this (shouldn't I)?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you?

* Is this too much, do you say?
I want a good job, praise and good pay,

Metadiscussion about LJ Discussion Grows

nellorat@livejournal.com — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:42:56 GMT

My entry about what I find to be insidious ideas continues, with growing discussion, and has just been linked to in metafandom.

Some interesting new topics have come up, including what is and is not a "safe space" in LJ and whether it is impolite to ask a question on LJ without having done an online search oneself first.

Btw, those last two links are to specific comments: zvi_likes_tv told me during RaceFail how to link to individual comments, a simple but unknown-to-me skill I have always been grateful for since! Other comments elsewhere discuss some of the same things, but those are good places to read. Also, don't forget to click on "expand" if you want follow-ups and "parent" is you want the earlier comments that one is a reply to.

So far, there is much, much more light than heat, and I'm glad to have written that open entry. I have gotten just a taste of "be careful what you wish for" when it comes to being linked to (or having people notified about the entry in other ways), and I may come to freeze or FL the post, but for now I'm much more pleased than not for the responses.

In writing this much, I am indeed still watching my shoulder arthwrongus; tomorrow I see the orthopedist, and I have much hope that PT will help, because even the movements from YogaJane (her LJ name here, like it?) help a lot.

Mood: harried but not unhappy

Pleasure

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 20:27:43 GMT

A great day off after a productive work week. Writing for LJ, sexy vampire sex, a post-coital nap, and then half-dozing to the sounds of thunder and rain.

If my shoulder weren't iffy, it would be perfect--but then the gods might get jealous. And I do see my orthopedist on Wednesday.

Mood: indulged

True Blood

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 16:05:53 GMT

Nellorat: Oh! True Blood has started again!

supergee: No more false blood.

Nellorat: No--sexy vampire sex! You don't seem to understand the importance of sexy vampire sex.

Supergee: Of course I do: it's keeping the publishing industry going.

Nellorat: So, see! I was right. Sexy vampire sex.

LATER:

Nellorat: OOH GAWD THEY ARE SO HOT!

Supergee: Vampires?

Nellorat: The Vampire and Mary Sue.

By the way, True Blood is my current favorite example of a dramatization that is better than the fiction. I bogged down in the middle of the second Sookie Stackhouse novel and will probably never return; in fact, we will probably get rid of the novels. Not only is the acting & filming better than the prose, but I love the characters that have been added, especially Tara.

Mood: relaxicating

Today: Filthy Lucre, Exploding Lamp

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 03:24:42 GMT

Today I got over 1K for the week's work; the hours have been slim, so it's been a long time. Joy!

Today when I turned on my desk lamp, it exploded. Flames and everything! Not so much joy, but no damage to anything other than the lamp and shade, let alone injuries.

Mood: MUST BED

Pontypool, Further Thoughs

nellorat@livejournal.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 15:53:28 GMT

Alas, I decided that as stunning a movie as Pontypool is in many ways, it doesn't support scrutiny of how the various elements fit together. The author of the novel and screenplay said in an interview that he deliberately limited the perspective to semi-informed people whose explanations may be partial or even erroneous. However, he could still have done that and thought out the events in a more coherent way.--as in The Sixth Sense.

I almost ADORE the concept of a horrible disease spread in language. For one thing, it appropriates usual expectations about how disease spreads, almost fits them, but at times subverts or misleads them. You can be in the same room with someone falling ill and be safe--from the disease, at least--and yet regular quarantine would not work, because the virus is potential in every English speaker. And the disease makes for great, eerie symptoms--especially the "Who are you?" that Mazzy gets back when he shouts it from his car, which the viewer can almost take as a normal echo but not quite.

I just wish the symptoms made more sense taken together.

If repeating the word is an attempt by the infected to recover due to semantic saturation, why do the fully infected keep repeating what others say? Why EVEN THE SOUND OF WINDSHIELD-WIPERS? That's not semantic!

Also, if the problem is UNDERSTANDING of the word, not seeing or hearing it, why is French safe? I don't know all the studies, but I'd think that "chat" and "cat" would be pretty much the same understanding in the brain.

And why does Dr. Mendez start speaking in another language (German?)? That seems to be a symptom rather than his way to try to avoid the disease, and that makes no sense to me. I suppose he could be falling ill AND trying to prevent falling ill, like someone sneezing with a cold but still avoiding other sneezers.

But why do people die without a "victim"? And what counts as a victim? OK, so it's not a very well adapted disease yet. Maybe later, if a diseased person had no victim, the disease would go dormant until it could be spread. THAT would be very cool.

But how do the diseased spread the infection anyway, when they mainly echo the words of others? Shouldn't they keep repeating the words that made them ill in order to "be contagious"? But then, transmission would be much more much like an ordinary disease, spread by proximity, although to what is said rather than the breath that is saying it.

Then there's the issue of WHAT the words are. (And it definitely seems to be words, not combinations.) I really liked the idea that the dangerous words were those that we associate with the most tender emotions: including, of course, Honey. Yet "kill" definitely seems to be such a word--and "sample"??? Maybe I want to over-simplify this, but I would have loved it if, going back through the film, I could see the words that set people off, though the connection would be totally hidden the first time through. I felt an opportunity was really missed to have had some word in the "desert" song be responsible for that younger singer, clear only in retrospect.

I suppose I can buy that the words that infect people also make them "sicker," that is more violent. Or maybe the point is that the infectious words are random, but then the triggering words are the Hallmark ones (as one review puts it).

There seem to me to be some other problems with the movie. The scene in which Mazzy is reading the obituaries of the infected is CHILLING, but WHERE does he get that information? Do we have, in essence, a huge, gaping P.O.V. break?

Maybe all the ideas about what is causing the plague are just human guesses. Then, however, the DYNAMITE ending is undercut. For that to work--as it does, practically and philosophically--it has to be a plague caused by the action of certain MEANINGS inside one's head. And the ending is so great! Mazzy has to fight words with words, dismantling the master's house with the master's tools, making sense into nonsense to save everyone.

I still highly recommend the film, even with these issues. Comparison to Drag Me to Hell shows how cliche-ridden (and racist!) even reasonably good horror movies generally are; the freshness of Pontypool, as well as its emotional power, is astonishing. I just wish it had been assembled a bit less right-brain/associationally and a bit more left-brain/put together meticulously like pieces of a puzzle.

In many ways, including the idea that a cure might have been found but destroyed before it could be used, this film reminded me of George Romero's too-little-known pre-living-dead film, The Crazies, a/k/a Code Name Trixie. Also, they both play with the fact that the effects of stress could be almost indistinguishable from the symptoms of the psychotically-deranging disease.

And what olde tyme sf fan could help but think of Henry Kuttner's short story "Nothing But Gingerbread Left"? The author/screenwriter mentions distinguished ancestors of his ideas such as William Burroughs, but let us nod to Kuttner--and, as the blog I link to mentions, Monty Python's Killing Joke.

Note: Tired of plot-centered reviews and wanting more analysis, I Googled on "pontypool semiotics" and found the kind of reviews and other resources I wanted!

Mood: awake, chipper; post-coital; happy

Movie Review: Pontypool (No Spoilers)

nellorat@livejournal.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 04:44:37 GMT

Wow. This 2009 independent film is now available in some theaters, apparently, and on Movies on Demand. If you're a horror fan who wants something very scary but out of the ordinary, with a philosophical approach, check it out.

The less I say about what actually happens in the film, the better: it shows the beginning of a somewhat Romero-esque apocalypse (also in an odd way reminiscent of Stephen King's novel Cell), but the nature of the problem is probably not anything you were expecting.

The film takes place entirely in a radio station in the eponymous small town in Ontario, Canada; three actors (two women and a man) carry almost all of the action. The visuals only get gory near the end, but the suspense and even fear through most of the film is anus-clenching.

I'm not sure that all the data we get fit perfectly with the explanation--the earlier elements, many without explanations at first, do come together, but I didn't get that feeling of everything clicking perfectly as in The Sixth Sense. However, I wouldn't swear it DOESN'T all fit, either.

And many of you on my LJ friends' list will enjoy a horror film that mentions Norman Mailer and Roland Barthes in passing, and shows a copy of Snow Crash casually lying on a desk in one scene.

Moreover, for me it presented a huge synchronicity (a concept addressed in the voice-over that accompanies the credits): while writing and thinking about LJ and RaceFail, how could I not be ready for a film that, in part, emphasizes how much real power words have?

Note: A little more spoileriffic than this, but not much, here's a great review. This review definitely dwells in spoiler country, but has excellent analysis. And this is an interesting interview with Tony Burgess, the author of the novel on which the movie is based, Pontypool Changes Everything.

Mood: delectably scared, ready to read in bed, glad I can sleep in tomorrow

LJ and Me Part II: Insidious Ideas

nellorat@livejournal.com — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:50:53 GMT

NOTE, ETA, PLEASE READ===> As I hope is clear from comments, the point of this discussion is not to rehash who said what or did what in RaceFail. You and I probably disagree on at least SOME points of interpretation, no matter WHO you are, and that kind of discussion is not the way in which I can best spend my time & energy now. I try to stick to discussion of things that are pretty generally agreed to have gone on. If you think NO ONE said or did what I am talking about, maybe no one did in any LJ entries you have read. Which, like, is GREAT!<===PLEASE READ

I said at the bottom of last entry (not FL as of now, but not of general interest), "See you next entry for a few ideas I think were held by 'the other side' and I think are particularly erroneous and/or hurt-causing."

The quotation marks are because even in RaceFail, I think I agreed with those who grew to deplore my comments much, much more than we disagreed. However, both in the entries in RaceFail and in the entry on men & rape in cereta's LJ, a number of people seemed to hold a number of beliefs that I find not only wrong but also pernicious.

Statement 1: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. Silence is consent.
Yes--once an idea is endemic in a culture, if you don't directly resist it, you are in some ways being complicit in it. So the former statement is a lot more true than most excluded-middle statements. However, applying this idea broadly still creates major problems:
A) This approach doesn't take into account limits of time and energy. People have to rest, do other things, without feeling they aren't doing enough. "Silence is consent" can be an especially exhausting belief. In fact, most people on mammoth LJ discussions probably would not only be better off but probably also do more good if they didn't exhaust themselves.
B) I really do think that just not being an asshole is worth a great deal! It's important that people do more, and that we encourage being part of the solution, but we should acknowledge that just not being part of the problem is SOMETHING. Many people have to LEARN how not to be part of the problem, and that's a good thing to encourage.

Statement 2: When people are alienated by being told "Go away and educate yourself," They'd never be real allies anyway.
This sour-grapes response is appealing to those who feel burdened by Statement #1 and don't have it in them to educate just then, but it's almost certainly not true.
(A) For one thing, "Go away and educate yourself" is not only NOT helpful, it is ANTI-helpful, much more alienating than just not responding to the comment at all.
(B) Many people will listen to you explain things who will not seek out the reading on their own. Our enthusiasm is greater than their motivation to learn on their own and hence is an invaluable resource, within limits of time and energy.
(C) Not only is there more motive to learn with help, there may be more ability. This is quite natural, and the help is one good thing about the massively awful American education system. Can you imagine learning calculus or Old English on your own? Some people do, but there is a reason for having a class--even online--instead of just selling textbooks.

Assumption 1: Invoking The Tone Argument--Any objection to the way in which anti-racism, feminist, or other comments are made is not valid, but an excuse.
Now, I 100% agree that The Tone Argument, a slimy way to shut up advocates of various challenging positions, DOES exist. For example, many people, a feminist's tone is NEVER right--it goes right from mollifying to "abrasive." Also, demanding certain kinds of word choice or writing is at least de facto racist and classist.
Also, a DEMAND for a gentle, sweet tone IS an unjustified and unrealistic imposition, especially when such demands are made of people who are hurting because of stigma and oppression.
However, in these discussions anger can slide over to abuse. Also, when some comments are meant to say "ouch!" or to give good advice, those comments are sometimes seen as making a demand, as The Tone Argument.
Often what is at issue here is not an ever-rising bar no one can pass, but a reader's refusal to put up with anger being directed at hir personally--and no matter how much privilege one has, such anger is never pleasant and MAY be unendurable. Also, unlike Latinate words, perfect grammar, and complicated syntax, kindness is not a limited commodity that is distributed unfairly. We can all be nice. And flies, no matter how often they are told they are perpetuating The Tone Argument, will come to honey more often than they come to vinegar.

Assumption 2: We can address the feelings of the oppressed, OR we can address the feelings of the oppressors.
This seems really implied by "You're putting the feelings of the oppressors ahead of the feelings of the oppressed." Because if the assumption were true, of course the feelings of the oppressed would have to come first: the oppressed by definition have fewer people speaking up for them already, they have more hurt to address, their hurt may be invisible--so it's only justice.
But is the assumption true? In some situations, yes, but in others, no. Especially when one is an ally (not so personally hurting), and double especially when one is one of many allies (so others are taking a stronger tack and/or reassuring the oppressed), perhaps a little energy can be spared for the feelings of the oppressed. They also hurt, no matter what privilege they have; and there is a selfish benefit in appealing to their fly-like positive honey tropism.
Most of all, saying "all Xs do Y" or even "Xs do Y" should be discouraged as untrue as well as alienating, while "some Xs do Y," "many Xs do Y," "society encourages Xs to do Y," or "no one can automatically tell if you are an X who does Y or not" are more accurate as well as not as likely to upset Xs who do NOT do Y.

Assumption 3 Based on assumptions 1 and 2, The oppressors are responsible for how the oppressed receive their comments, but the opposite is not true.
Likely, the only working system is one in which BOTH parties are 100% responsible for their comments. Paradoxical-seeming but practically, I think, unavoidable.
This has long been my view of marriage, which is such an awesome and demanding relationship that if each feels 50% responsible, and as a result concentrates on what "is fair," odds are the marriage will not last. In defiance of arithmetic, the best approach is for both (or more) to feel 100% responsible. Then, if the fates are kind, when one partner just can't be understanding, the other can, and in every situation SOMEONE will give. It can't always be the same partner, or the marriage is not healthy.
Anyone can make mistakes and be offensive, through ignorance or deliberately but just because it was a bad day. If unkindness begets unkindness, and the latter unkindness is excused because it's "only fair"--in ANY situation--we end up with a mess.

I'm happy to discuss all this, and can and will modify my own views, but I think these are vital concerns. I have indeed been very clueless about some of the discussions in which I brought this up; other times, I have to say, I think people just didn't want disagreement.

Anyone may link to this. Comments are open, although I will friends-lock comments if (1) people get mean, and/or (2) I just can't keep up with discussion. I will delete comments that are just nasty, but if anything I err on the side of taking seriously & answering testy comments.

Mood: communicative, a bit preachy; amazingly enough my shoulder arthwrongus doesn't hurt

LJ and Me Part I: I am MUCH Better Now

nellorat@livejournal.com — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 01:54:44 GMT

I'm happy to say that, thanks partly to the passing of time and largely to comments here and the thoughts I had in response, I feel pretty much human again.

I really think that a social Fail at that level, when I had some grounds to think I had learned from RaceFail and I was dong OK, literally kicked me back to my high-school mindset. This sounds bizarre, and perhaps some outsiders might find being that influenced by LJ pathological. But I usually LOVE socializing on LJ, it is a big part of my inner landscape, I took the emotional dynamics there very seriously (thinking it would help me do better, which sadly in some ways was true), and I spent many intense hours in that virtual space--so I don't think it's that surprising.

Over the past 26 hours, I'd have these weird moments of totally uncharacteristic insecurity, very briefly flashing through my head, and I do think that's how I felt when I was an outsider in high school. Trying to connect and failing--no one willing (or, to be fair to my peers, able) to tell me where the failure was, let alone what to do better.

This is a price I am completely willing to have paid, though, and I actually do understand a lot of the areas, in me and in others, fairly well. See you next entry for a few ideas I think were held by "the other side" and I think are particularly erroneous and/or hurt-causing.

Mood: re-centered, well fed, communicative

Sukktastic Part III: Miscellaneous

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:24:59 GMT

And with lack of sleep and harried emotions come more and more absent-mindedness and tension:

*Left my cell-phone charging in the car, meaning I had to call from the end of the subway to be picked up, instead of being able to call from the train so supergee was there waiting for me. No big deal; I was just impatient.

*Erroneously took my Arthrotec pill with my dinner pills. Taking a 12-hour pill 3 hours too soon can't be good, and I have to awake enough to take a pill at 7:00 a.m. Though of course it could be worse.

*Even with the double-dose or Arthrotec, I've set off an OMG PAIN a couple-three times over the past two days.

On the positive side, while waiting for S. I got Subway sandwiches for womzilla and myself. W. just got home with this week's comics. And we can watch at least one episode of The Big Bang Theory while we eat.

Mood: ready to take to my bed

Sukktastic II: Arthwrongus

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:15:34 GMT

Today I yet again did not meet with my orthopedist.

On the positive side, they finally have the larger MRI files they need! I'm beginning to think that the problem is not my doctor at all, but the way the office is organizationally structured, including not having a good system for them to be reminded if they contacted someone (such as the radiology clinic that took my MRIs) and don't get a response. The patient has to keep phoning the office.

Also, I have to say, this is my first experience with receptionists who seem to take very seriously their job, interpreted as having to protect the doctors from contact with the patients. I exaggerate, but the main receptionist did have a strong "persuade me why I should care" attitude. I know this isn't uncommon, but my GP's receptionist is a wonderful person and the GP always returns calls promptly, so I'm spoiled.

But I had a hard time sleeping last night, and today I took the wrong highway and got very lost.

However, that really didn't make a difference, because when I got there, nine people were in front of me, meaning that even had I been on time, I probably wouldn't have been seen in time to go to work. After all, I only allowed 1 1/2 hours for the appointment!

So I made an appointment for next week. My knees are actually pretty good, and the shoulder is mainly managed. Mainly.

Mood: it just gets better and better

Sukktastic Part I: LJ

nellorat@livejournal.com — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:07:01 GMT

Well, my participation on cereta's LJ entry didn't end well. "Better than RaceFail"--what a recommendation!

Late last night and this morning, for the first time since high school*, I felt like an extraterrestrial.

"On this planet, in online discussions, people use very similar responses if they disagree and want discussion or if they disagree and wish you'd go away. Response to the former is socially desirable, and response to the latter is socially taboo. The people of Earth seem to be able to tell the difference. Or perhaps they are not hurt when they are yelled at for not knowing the difference. Or perhaps they feel that they deserve the disapprobation."

"On this planet, 'You aren't listening' is considered helpful advice. It is not known whether Earth people consider this specific enough to be helpful or whether the insight about what is being missed is encoded in the way the utterance is formed."

Anyway, at least this time the negative people seemed to think I was a well-intentioned jerk rather than a don't-care-if-I-hurt-people jerk. And actually a fair number of people were happy that I would speak up for views they shared.

And later today I felt a bit less of a total failure at everything LJ. It's not like EVERYONE ELSE in these huge-o discussions has been a RAGING SUCCESS at being heard without being seen as disagreeable. In some ways, I think, there are just no protocols for a huge entry in which many different people wander in because of widespread links--and this is made worse, not better, by the fact that some small sub-groups have indeed formed protocols, and they then get upset that people from different sub-groups follow different protocols.

For now, this sub-group, people who read my LJ, and I seem to speak mostly the same language. And if not, we can explain without getting pissed off. That's a lot!

* In college I did not know how to get laid on this planet, but I had mastered the rudiments of communication.

Mood: not despairing

Incident I'd Almost Forgotten

nellorat@livejournal.com — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:44:25 GMT

I may be wrong, but I just had a hunch that my LJ friends might not have clicked on my link to this in my past entry, and it's something I wanted to share with all of you. It's from a comment by me to cereta's LJ entry (& its over 800 comments!) about men and rape:

Wow! I have made--how many comments here already? dozens?--and somehow, reading this comment. I remembered an event I had almost totally forgotten!

Years ago, my husband womzilla had just picked me up at the subway in the Bronx--or I had picked him up, anyway he was driving but we both were in the car. Just as we were about to drive away, he noticed a confrontation between a man and a woman on the street by the subway exit and parked cars, the man obviously threatening the woman. He drove up & told the woman to get in the car and we would take her to a safe place, which she did and we did. It all happened quickly, and it was DEFINITELY W. noticing the scene and wanting to do something, though it was a joint decision. She explained that it was her boyfriend but yeah, she was glad we'd come along.

Oddly, what I remember most of all is my rubbing the top of W.'s head affectionately, and her joking that that was why he was going bald up there.

So I said in another comment that I lead a circumscribed life, and mostly that's true. I like my life that way. I always know/say W. is a good guy (& so is supergee, my other husband)--one reason I'm so emphatic that not ALL men would choose to rape--but I'd almost completely forgotten that incident.

W. confirmed what I did remember, and said that, coincidentally, he'd almost completely forgotten the incident also until he was reminded about a month ago.

Both of us further recalled that the woman was actually in the street, a few yards from her boyfriend, and was actually screaming--we think for help; and that we had somewhat driven away but drove back to give her a ride.

It's funny how memory works. The "this comment" was by a woman about her father giving rides to women waiting alone for a bus at night or in the snow, but only if he also had a woman in the car (both for to reassure the strange woman and to protect himself from any false allegations). And first I got this memory of my rubbing W.'s head affectionately, and then more and more memories came back.

Good memories, fortunately. I'm very glad that such things do NOT often invade my life, but I'm glad to recall that W. and I rose to the occasion when one did.

Mood: intrigued, a bit proud, getting ready for YogaJane and then work

LJ; also, Rerailing; also, Remembering Almost-forgotten Incident

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 21:23:56 GMT

I'm currently neglecting my own LJ and new friends-list posts to participate in this discussion of men and rape in the LJ of cereta. It's a tough and wonderful discussion, somewhat less dogmatic and more open than many such political discussions on LJ, though uncompromisingly pro-feminism etc.

ETA: Comments and other LJs make clear that many people had a much different opinion of both the original post and, especially, the comments than I did. And of course the topic itself can be triggering. So just be careful if you go there but hadn't before. You may want to check out just the selected comments I link to, below.end ETA

In comments to there, I finally got the nerve to discuss something I've been thinking of for a very long time & only mentioned on LJ briefly once before this. While I do endorse the importance of not derailing a discussion from important topics--bred on the comment-drift of fanzines, apas, and Internet groups, it's hard for me, but it's a goal--I also think that the advocates of many opinions also need to talk about how to get the topic back. That is, rerailing.

I think I'm pretty good at rerailing (sadly, much better than I am at not derailing). For instance, with fat-rights discussions, I have finally learned to say, "Yes, the issue of fat and health is an interesting one, but that's not what I'm talking about here." And then talking about stigma, prejudiced stereotypes, or whatever.

In general, there is a lot of discussion in this entry about how to communicate, with nuanced examinations of where the burden should & shouldn't lie.

And I especially direct your attention to this and the three comments that follow it as a discussion of one kind of derailing and an alternative besides saying "educate yourself."

Also, in this comment by me there I mention an event from years past that I had almost entirely forgotten. I mentioned it to womzilla this morning, and he said that he had almost forgotten too, and was reminded of it about a month ago.

Alas, even though I now have the mouse in a better place & typing bothers my shoulder A LOT less, all this activity means my arthwrongus is still acting up a bit--so sorry if this post itself is not so good.

Mood: interested, engaged, garrulous, arthritic

More Coultony Brain Goodness

nellorat@livejournal.com — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:37:20 GMT

Thanks to browngirl, Jonathan Coulton's "Re: Your Brains" done in ASL for/by zombies. I love both the signing and the proper balance between yuppie and zombie.

Mood: why can't I sleep?

Ominous Cinema

nellorat@livejournal.com — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:09:29 GMT

Amazing altered Mr. Rogers video thanks to akirashima.

Some sections remind me of the kind of cut 'n' paste that Evolution Control Committee does; other times, it's amazing how eerie anything can be with the right background music--though Mr. Rogers strikes many as just on the edge between soothing & highly creepy, anyway. Keep viewing or advance to 6:30 or 6:40, as two songs right near the end are splendid, reminding me on Sheldon on The Big Bang.

Oh, and sorry about the genetic essentialism re gender!

Mood: astonishopated