Arthur and Kevin's Nellorat (nellorat) wrote,
Arthur and Kevin's Nellorat
nellorat

Relationship Dynamics

Recently, I was appalled to realize how little my meanness to supergee has to do with him & how much ti has to do with my mood, my blood sugar, other annoyances in my life.

One interesting aspect of this is that it's not the content of my reactions, which stays much the same, but my tone, anywhere from casual or outright loving to angry and brusque. When faced by a mistake or habit I don't like, my reaction can be anything from "Please don't do that" through "PUH-LEAZE don't do that" to "MY GOD I just HATE it when you DO that."

Supergee said he actually found this insight of mine comforting to him: the more he ses it as not something he's doing, the more he can deal with it as a practical problem instead of compounding the issue with defensiveness and guilt.

This whole problem is much more an issue between me and Supergee than between me and womzilla, The reasons are myriad and complex. Some are practical: S. is around in the day when I may be rushed getting off to work or reacting to some annoying academy move; he simply makes more mistakes and we'r together more for me to notice them. Some are history: I was a saner person when W. and I met, so S. and I have ghosts of past interactions that W. and I don't. Some are personality, of course, across a wide range of healthy and not for any one or pair of us, including that S., much more than W., lets me get away with treating him unfairly and always has.

I have always known I am a moody person & always try to warn the spice when I'm just in a horrible mood. And they're very good about how to handle me, often from a safe distance, when that happens. I guess in some ways this is just a finer-graded version of that. But it's more, too, although I'm not sure I've made that something more at all clear. It's just shocking to me how much even an ordinary interaction can be so determined by concenrs irrelevant to the interaction per se. And while I probably am more extreme this way than many, I think I also just twigged to something that ordinarily happens but people don't always notice or think about.

Do y'all ever find that other aspects of your life determine your reactions to loved ones at least as much as their behavior and your feelings about them do? Any thoguhts on the whole issue?

Status: lazy but thoughtful
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