Arthur and Kevin's Nellorat (nellorat) wrote,
Arthur and Kevin's Nellorat
nellorat

"Settling For" in Relationships

Despite his fat phobia, I generally like Dan Savage's sex advice, which I find blunt to the point of rudeness but generally sensible. In a recent column he said, "Because there is no settling down without settling for, LTB, and that applies to bisexual and monosexuals, monogamists and polyamorists. Good luck."

My first reaction was that there can be settling down without settling for, and settling for problems and flaws is generally a bad idea. I've said repeatedly that one good thing that came out of my parents' horrific marriage was my bone-deep knowledge that unless I found the right person, I was better off alone.

Further introspection showed a contradiction: none of the three of us could in any sense of the word be called perfect, right?

Finally, I decided that two uses of "settling for" are going on here. Very similar to two possible uses of "work" when one says, "My job doesn't seem like work."

If there's anyone whose job doesn't take effort and committment, I have never met such a person. I know I put both effort and skill into mine, and something more, examination of the work in ways that make me better at it.

However, what people who say that--including me--is that the work doesn't <i>feel like<i> work, at least most of the time. The fit between the task and my interests and skills is such that I enjoy it greatly and probably would do it without pay.

Similarly, I decided, we all settle for certain problems and flaws in a spouse, but if we're lucky, it doesn't feel like settling for anything. Someties the cause is blindness & the problems become major later and must be dealt with. Other times, what may seem like a problem to someone else or even objectively is never a problem at all within a certain relationship.

Because weirdly, as much as I can be a stone b*tch about certain matters within the home, I never feel like I settled for anything, with either of my spice.

Mood: apparently chatty
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